Teehee :)

We all need to have a laugh!

If you know a good joke, or have a funny, cartoon/picture…share it here so we can all have a giggle!

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19 thoughts on “Teehee :)

  1. The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

    A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town’s people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting… “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor…

    “Shit” said the hypnotist.

    It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

  2. Girls night out
    Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

  3. An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

    The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?”

    “What did he say? What’s he want?”

    His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

  4. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

    “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

    The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
    you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

    The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when
    you father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

    “Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues…”Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years”.
    “I remember that too”, she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”

  5. A tense man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is eight months pregnant and she is crying in pain!”
    “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.
    “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

  6. Question and Answer About Pregnant Women:

    Question : The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
    Ans — ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are — By Anonymous
    Question : What is the grasp reflex?
    Ans — The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts — By Anonymous
    Question : What are night terrors?
    Ans — Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.
    Question : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
    Ans — When the kids are in college.
    Question : Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
    Ans — When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

    Question : Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    Ans — Yes, pregnancy.

  7. RETIRED HUSBAND

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target..

    … Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out… Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

    6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

    9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

    14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

    And last, but not least:

    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

  8. Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’

    She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’

    Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.

    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma,it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy ‘s mum wants to talk to you.

  9. These are a selection (So I am told) of complaints made to Travel Agents by holiday makers…
    I can only presume to much Sun was to blame…………

    “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

    “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned.”

    “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”

    “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”

    A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

    “The beach was too sandy.”

    “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”

    A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

    “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”

    “We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”

    “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”

    “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”

    “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”

    “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?”

    “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many ** foreigners.”

    “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”

    “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

    “I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite.”

    “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

  10. A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness”. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but…. your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.” They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch.

    The man perks up. “So,” the doctor says, “you must decide how many inches you want.” But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s
    important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

    “Yes, I have,” says the man.

    “And has she helped you make a decision?”

    “Yes,” says the man.

    “What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

    “We’re getting granite counter tops.”

  11. An elderly Italian lived alone in New Jersey.

    He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, but without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

    The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you,
    Vinnie.

  12. Delia’s Way
    Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

    The Real Woman’s Way
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

    Delia’s Way
    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    The Real Woman’s Way
    Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

    Delia’s Way
    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

    The Real Woman’s Way
    Tesco’s sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

    Delia’s Way
    If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

    The Real Woman’s Way
    If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.’

    Delia’s Way
    Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    The Real Woman’s Way
    It could keep forever… who eats it?

    Delia’s Way
    Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    The Real Woman’s Way
    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka… you might still have the headache, but you won’t give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course?…

    Delia’s Way
    If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    The Real Woman’s Way
    Why do I have a man?

    Finally the most important tip…

    Delia’s Way
    Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.

    The Real Woman’s Way
    Leftover wine?????????

    (Had to laugh at that last one!! Bella xx)

  13. An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.

    He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. “Let’s just try a couple of pills first and see how well yo…u tolerate it. If it works out I’ll write you a prescription.”

    The old man looked at the pills and said “Doc. don’t you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill.”

    “Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You don’t want a quarter of a pill. That won’t do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience you’re going to need a full dose.”

    “Doc, you don’t understand. I don’t want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes.”

  14. Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Movies

    -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

    -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

    -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

    -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

    -Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    -When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

    -You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

    -Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

    -An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

    -Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

  15. A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”

    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.

    The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

  16. Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’
    She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’
    Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.
    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma,it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy ‘s mum wants to talk to you.’

  17. A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,
    “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap; I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
    She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

  18. Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are!
    At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
    They let three goats loose in the school.
    Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
    Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

  19. A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the riest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
    “Of course. What may I do for you?”
    “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair-dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
    “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
    “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
    “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
    “I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
    Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

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